Matt Legault
5. Kirstie Alley
This former sitcom star may have a lucrative deal with Weight Watchers and get to appear on daytime talk shows to talk about her struggles with her weight twice a year, but you have to think that she wakes up every morning wishing she was still that middle-aged bombshell scoring big movie rolls like Jennifer Aniston and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Keep enjoying those Twinkies Kirstie.
This former sitcom star may have a lucrative deal with Weight Watchers and get to appear on daytime talk shows to talk about her struggles with her weight twice a year, but you have to think that she wakes up every morning wishing she was still that middle-aged bombshell scoring big movie rolls like Jennifer Aniston and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Keep enjoying those Twinkies Kirstie.
4. Dustin Byfuglien
Big Buff was always on the heavy side, even at the peak of his goal scoring, but then a couple years ago he showed up to Jets camp at an unverified 250 pounds. 250 lbs. would be reasonable for 6’9 giant Zdeno Chara, but not for the much shorter Byfuglien. Although Buff managed to get his weight back under control, he has not been able to return to the Norris trophy candidate form that he once was. It has gotten to the point where he has been moved back to forward, in more of a power forward type position, where he will be required to log fewer minutes than a #1 defenseman. Big Buff’s career is destined for the crapper because he couldn’t lay off the Big Mac.
Big Buff was always on the heavy side, even at the peak of his goal scoring, but then a couple years ago he showed up to Jets camp at an unverified 250 pounds. 250 lbs. would be reasonable for 6’9 giant Zdeno Chara, but not for the much shorter Byfuglien. Although Buff managed to get his weight back under control, he has not been able to return to the Norris trophy candidate form that he once was. It has gotten to the point where he has been moved back to forward, in more of a power forward type position, where he will be required to log fewer minutes than a #1 defenseman. Big Buff’s career is destined for the crapper because he couldn’t lay off the Big Mac.
3. Jamarcus Russell
One of many epically bad draft choices made by the late Al Davis on behalf of his Oakland Raiders, Al could not resist the siren song of the quarterback who could throw the ball 80yds from his knees. The problem with that logic is that QBs are never required to throw a football 80yds from their knees. Although that ability may translate to the proverbial “he can make all the necessary throws at the next level”, that doesn’t necessary mean that he will make all those throws accurate. In the case of Jamarcus Russell, he preferred to perfect his Purple Drank cocktail (1 part bourbon whisky, 2 parts purple Kool-aid, 6 parts prescription codeine cough syrup) than to master his craft as a pocket passer. Alabama, Russell’s home state and renowned for consistently being in the Top 5 most obese states, has found its poster child. Professional NFL athlete took his multi-million dollar signing bonus straight to IHop and has been enjoying the southern hospitality there ever since.
One of many epically bad draft choices made by the late Al Davis on behalf of his Oakland Raiders, Al could not resist the siren song of the quarterback who could throw the ball 80yds from his knees. The problem with that logic is that QBs are never required to throw a football 80yds from their knees. Although that ability may translate to the proverbial “he can make all the necessary throws at the next level”, that doesn’t necessary mean that he will make all those throws accurate. In the case of Jamarcus Russell, he preferred to perfect his Purple Drank cocktail (1 part bourbon whisky, 2 parts purple Kool-aid, 6 parts prescription codeine cough syrup) than to master his craft as a pocket passer. Alabama, Russell’s home state and renowned for consistently being in the Top 5 most obese states, has found its poster child. Professional NFL athlete took his multi-million dollar signing bonus straight to IHop and has been enjoying the southern hospitality there ever since.
2. John Daly
Big John spits in the face of the modern day athlete. While the new generation of golfers; Tiger, Phil, Rory, hit the gym and prepare their bodies for the rigours of the PGA tour, John hits the bar at Applebee’s for the 16oz T-bone and a pitcher of Bud. And while his competitors are choosing their preferred brand of electrolyte beverage for their round, John is deciding between a Cohiba and Julietta. The mystique of Big John and his ability to connect with every blue-collar Joe across America has kept him relevant and continuing to get sponsor’s exemptions so that he’s able to continue to play on the tour, however, more and more his game is becoming a sideshow. A circus attraction better suited for charity events and bar mitzvahs, which is a shame when you consider the length of his drive and his nimble hands around the greens. If only John could have dedicated himself to his craft like he dedicated himself to the buffet line, he may have been one of the all time greats.
EDITORS NOTE: Like Kirstie Alley, John Daly has slimmed down considerably. I understand that the weight gain tarnished each respective talent during their potential "prime years", but it should be noted that they aren't quite the slovenly loafs illustrated at this current time.
Big John spits in the face of the modern day athlete. While the new generation of golfers; Tiger, Phil, Rory, hit the gym and prepare their bodies for the rigours of the PGA tour, John hits the bar at Applebee’s for the 16oz T-bone and a pitcher of Bud. And while his competitors are choosing their preferred brand of electrolyte beverage for their round, John is deciding between a Cohiba and Julietta. The mystique of Big John and his ability to connect with every blue-collar Joe across America has kept him relevant and continuing to get sponsor’s exemptions so that he’s able to continue to play on the tour, however, more and more his game is becoming a sideshow. A circus attraction better suited for charity events and bar mitzvahs, which is a shame when you consider the length of his drive and his nimble hands around the greens. If only John could have dedicated himself to his craft like he dedicated himself to the buffet line, he may have been one of the all time greats.
EDITORS NOTE: Like Kirstie Alley, John Daly has slimmed down considerably. I understand that the weight gain tarnished each respective talent during their potential "prime years", but it should be noted that they aren't quite the slovenly loafs illustrated at this current time.
1. Jared Lorenzen
Who? you ask? The QB of the Northern Kentucky River Monsters of course. If you haven’t seen the footage then here you go.
Who? you ask? The QB of the Northern Kentucky River Monsters of course. If you haven’t seen the footage then here you go.
As for the inevitable “This is clearly just some sideshow publicity stunt. Who cares about a guy playing in the Indoor Football League anyways” people, you only need to look to his high school state championship in Kentucky and the fact that he is still recognized in the top 5 of many SEC records. Simply from watching video of his lone River Monster game you can tell that at 320pds he still has a cannon for an arm an very nimble feet for a man of that stature (I’d argue he could outrun Brady any day). The Hefty Lefty, as he’s known, was unceremoniously dumped by the Giants after their 2007 Super Bowl victory over the Patriots (the height of Eli-mania era in New York.) But what would have happened this season if the 33yr old NFL vet (at a reasonable playing weight of course) had still been on the roster while the bad games and interceptions continued to pile up for Eli Manning? With no real back up option to turn to, Giants fans were forced to endure months of exasperated Manning-face instead of being able to turn to the Hefty Lefty and all his glory, potentially saving the season and opening up a whole new world of free Brooklyn-style pizzas to devour in the process.
Submitted by Matt Legault
Submitted by Matt Legault