Matt Legault
5. Barrack Obama
The long-time enemy of Vladimir Putin coming out would shock both the world and especially his current wife Michelle. Republican rednecks would immediately drive their pickup trucks full of moonshine right off of a bridge. There would also be repercussions internationally as every decision made by the Obama administration would be vehemently criticized by the Kremlin as “homosexual propaganda” and several Putin press conferences where his response to Obama policy is “what a fag”.
The long-time enemy of Vladimir Putin coming out would shock both the world and especially his current wife Michelle. Republican rednecks would immediately drive their pickup trucks full of moonshine right off of a bridge. There would also be repercussions internationally as every decision made by the Obama administration would be vehemently criticized by the Kremlin as “homosexual propaganda” and several Putin press conferences where his response to Obama policy is “what a fag”.
4. Sidney Crosby
The biggest star from the biggest Olympic sport that scored one of the biggest Olympic goals of all time. Already Canada is seen as weak and inferior by the Russians for their acceptance of gay marriage and how pro-gay they’ve been throughout the run-up to the Olympics. An announcement of this magnitude might put Putin and his KGB buddies into such a furious rage that he may disqualify Canada completely from competition at the Olympics leading to a whole new type of sports related Cold War. And let’s not forget about the awkward spin that would now be put on the whole “Crosby lived in Lemieux’s basement and was a ‘father figure’ to him in his rookie season”.
The biggest star from the biggest Olympic sport that scored one of the biggest Olympic goals of all time. Already Canada is seen as weak and inferior by the Russians for their acceptance of gay marriage and how pro-gay they’ve been throughout the run-up to the Olympics. An announcement of this magnitude might put Putin and his KGB buddies into such a furious rage that he may disqualify Canada completely from competition at the Olympics leading to a whole new type of sports related Cold War. And let’s not forget about the awkward spin that would now be put on the whole “Crosby lived in Lemieux’s basement and was a ‘father figure’ to him in his rookie season”.
3. Dick Pound
C’mon… You know why.
C’mon… You know why.
2. Vladimir Putin
An anonymous leak appears in a Russian newspaper that those shirtless strongman photos taken of Putin were actually from a collection of naughty erotic pics that were sent to Putin’s long-time lover Evegeni Plushenko. Overnight the entire Russian record books are rewritten with all political victories and policies attributed to President Alexander Ovechkin, multiple Olympic medals vacated by the Russian Olympic Committee and several statues removed and melted down to make Russian AK-47s.
An anonymous leak appears in a Russian newspaper that those shirtless strongman photos taken of Putin were actually from a collection of naughty erotic pics that were sent to Putin’s long-time lover Evegeni Plushenko. Overnight the entire Russian record books are rewritten with all political victories and policies attributed to President Alexander Ovechkin, multiple Olympic medals vacated by the Russian Olympic Committee and several statues removed and melted down to make Russian AK-47s.
1. Alexander Ovechkin
The Russian Olympic hockey team wins a gold medal lead by their hockey hero Ovechkin. The country goes into a state of joyous hysteria. All eyes are on Ovechkin as he approaches the podium for his postgame press conference. He grabs the mic and utters the phrase “Alex Ovechkin… Russian Machine… actually Russian Gay-Sex Machine…” and then silence across the land, no movement, until a tiny red laser light appears between Ovechkin’s eyes, lights go dark, cameras go dead, POW.
Submitted by Matt Legault
The Russian Olympic hockey team wins a gold medal lead by their hockey hero Ovechkin. The country goes into a state of joyous hysteria. All eyes are on Ovechkin as he approaches the podium for his postgame press conference. He grabs the mic and utters the phrase “Alex Ovechkin… Russian Machine… actually Russian Gay-Sex Machine…” and then silence across the land, no movement, until a tiny red laser light appears between Ovechkin’s eyes, lights go dark, cameras go dead, POW.
Submitted by Matt Legault