They thought they could fool us. Heck, they almost did. More than a few eyebrows were most likely raised, but who among us would have selfless impertinence to articulate their suspicions? Even if somebody out there were strong headed enough to speak up, how could the primal instinct of the truth be effectively weeded out from a field of chaos and successfully preened for mainstream consumption? Well, fellow sports fan, I humbly nominate myself to be the one to draw back the curtain and shatter every perception of reality that you may have naively carried with you into the arena of NFL spectatorship.
Denver Broncos receiver, Wes Welker, is an impostor. Or a cyborg, or a clone, or a past version of his present self.
“Wes Welker” made his long-anticipated return to the Denver Broncos after being sidelined several weeks. The reason for Welker’s absence was a concussion - an injury not to be taken lightly, knowing what we do now do about the lasting effects of trauma to the head. To make matters worse, this was not Welker’s first sustained concussion. Quite the contrary, as this most recent instance had some pleading for the undersized receiver to walk away from the game.
That didn’t happen. Or, not officially. Number 83 of the Broncos started for his team as they took on the division rival San Diego Chargers in what was Denver’s first playoff game (after earning a first round bye). A skilled offensive weapon that many would qualify as an “x-factor” kind of player, the appearance of Welker back on the field did not go unnoticed by many. Adding extra incentive for fans and media to single out the returning player was the fact that number 83 was wearing a significantly larger helmet than usual. Obviously, the larger headgear was attributed to the fact that Welker and the Broncos were being especially careful about head safety, as the repercussions of another blow to the head could be dire.
Denver Broncos receiver, Wes Welker, is an impostor. Or a cyborg, or a clone, or a past version of his present self.
“Wes Welker” made his long-anticipated return to the Denver Broncos after being sidelined several weeks. The reason for Welker’s absence was a concussion - an injury not to be taken lightly, knowing what we do now do about the lasting effects of trauma to the head. To make matters worse, this was not Welker’s first sustained concussion. Quite the contrary, as this most recent instance had some pleading for the undersized receiver to walk away from the game.
That didn’t happen. Or, not officially. Number 83 of the Broncos started for his team as they took on the division rival San Diego Chargers in what was Denver’s first playoff game (after earning a first round bye). A skilled offensive weapon that many would qualify as an “x-factor” kind of player, the appearance of Welker back on the field did not go unnoticed by many. Adding extra incentive for fans and media to single out the returning player was the fact that number 83 was wearing a significantly larger helmet than usual. Obviously, the larger headgear was attributed to the fact that Welker and the Broncos were being especially careful about head safety, as the repercussions of another blow to the head could be dire.
A popular picture circulating on the internet (seen above) juxtaposed the man(?) who played Sunday night versus San Diego next to an earlier version of a helmeted Welker. While the helmet on the left is clearly larger, there are additional – more troubling – differences between the two Welkers. One might notice the lack of hair stubble on Welker 2.0’s face. A seemingly innocuous change is also quite uncharacteristic of the scrappy, scruffy receiver. Despite wearing a slightly larger helmet, the Welker on the left seems to have a smaller head than the undoubtedly human version of Wes on the right. And finally, look at the eyes. The player on the right is showing off that vintage glare that comes to mind when one recalls the name “Wes Welker.” The intense focus of the undersized, undrafted underdog, who wasn’t supposed to make it into the NFL playing a predominantly black man’s position, is a trademark of the man himself. While the gaze of the player on the left is aesthetically similar, there are some things that can simply not be fabricated.
Now you’re probably saying, “this is crazy! Maybe a bit scary coming from such a smart and handsome writer, but crazy all the same!” And I couldn’t fault you for doubting me. After all, the man wearing number 83 for the Broncos managed six catches for 38 yards and a touchdown on Sunday. You’re saying, “An impostor may be able to look like Welker, you handsome devil, but surely they could not put up such a Welker-like performance on the football field!” I’m agreeing with you. The man we saw take the field is no regular impostor, but instead a meticulous replacement in the form of a clone, a cyborg, or Austin Collie.
We can probably rule out the “past version of a present self” thing I said earlier. I mostly said that for dramatic effect. It doesn’t really fall into my “intense eyes” theory and also, if we could perfect time travel then we would probably be able to cure concussion-like symptoms. Wes Welker has most likely been cloned, or has had a cyborg made in his image. Either one would accurately explain how a player on the brink of retirement could return as a soulless version of himself and put up a standard performance. The only question that remains is “Why?”
We can probably rule out the “past version of a present self” thing I said earlier. I mostly said that for dramatic effect. It doesn’t really fall into my “intense eyes” theory and also, if we could perfect time travel then we would probably be able to cure concussion-like symptoms. Wes Welker has most likely been cloned, or has had a cyborg made in his image. Either one would accurately explain how a player on the brink of retirement could return as a soulless version of himself and put up a standard performance. The only question that remains is “Why?”
While it’s unclear if these proceedings are the work of the Broncos organization as a private agent, what is clear is what they have to gain through the cloning/cyborg/Criss Angel MindFreak game. While Welker, 32, is no spring chicken, John Elway and the Denver brass know that the shifty receiver is vital to a Broncos title shot, what with the teams window for success being now. Similar motive applies, if we are to assume that Roger Goodell and the bigwigs at the NFL have some hand in this as well. Let’s face it, Peyton Manning is good for ratings. Peyton wins, the NFL wins, so what is there to lose in investing money in some insurance for his favorite receiving target that they can make back after selling a 30-second TV commercial slot for light beer or erection pills?
While it’s too early to start wading into the swamp that will eventually filter into the debate on the ethics of humanoid supermen as professional athletes, there’s one thing we know for sure: I’m right about this and Wes Welker is a robot and J.J Watt is probably part yeti. It’s an overwhelming reality, but it’s one that we may as well start accepting now. Because really, what was Jackie Robinson stepping up to the plate for the first time in the majors, if not a cyborg? If we aren’t diplomatic towards clones and robots and fucked up shit now, then history will not be kind to us. Neither will our atomic overlords. So let me be the first to say: Welcome. As long as you don’t take steroids, we won’t have a problem.
Submitted by Ben Humphrey
@humpnotes
While it’s too early to start wading into the swamp that will eventually filter into the debate on the ethics of humanoid supermen as professional athletes, there’s one thing we know for sure: I’m right about this and Wes Welker is a robot and J.J Watt is probably part yeti. It’s an overwhelming reality, but it’s one that we may as well start accepting now. Because really, what was Jackie Robinson stepping up to the plate for the first time in the majors, if not a cyborg? If we aren’t diplomatic towards clones and robots and fucked up shit now, then history will not be kind to us. Neither will our atomic overlords. So let me be the first to say: Welcome. As long as you don’t take steroids, we won’t have a problem.
Submitted by Ben Humphrey
@humpnotes